A Parabatai's Thoughts
by CharFire
Summary: Jace thinks about Alec, and how his life has changed. (POST COHF)


**A/N: Hello! I know I have plenty of other stories I need to update, but I got the urge to write this one and I had to obey.**

 **This is my first Mortal Instruments fan fiction, and I really appreciate all feedback and reviews. I absolutely love TMI, especially Jace and Alec. This is set post – COHF but pre-TOSA. This is long. Sorry!**

 **Please review and enjoy!**

* * *

Jace Herondale was not hiding.

No, great warriors did not hide. He was a war hero at seventeen, having defeated Valentine and Sebastian, died and returned, traveled to Edom and back, carried heavenly fire in his veins, been stabbed multiple times, and took on the Greater Demon Abaddon. He was who all Shadowhunters aspired to be, he was gifted with the blood of Ithuriel, and, to top it all off, he was undeniably attractive, and a natural blonde. So, no, he, Jace Herondale, was not hiding. He did not hide. He did, however, decide to make himself scarce when it would seem he was wanted by people he would much rather avoid.

Izzy, for instance, had decided to nearly quadruple her cooking endeavors, especially now that Simon was more or less back with them and without a single memory of Isabelle in the kitchen to help him ward off all meal attempts at the Institute. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner were hazardous times, rivaling everything Jace had been through in his entire life. Even the small amount of free time they got from studies and patrol duties was considered a time of all-out war. Everyone avoided that kitchen, and only snuck down there when the hunger became too much to handle. Hence, Jace's current seclusion to the greenhouse.

Again, not a hiding place.

If Izzy was perhaps allergic to everything up here, which would then prevent her from coming up here and using her whip to forcibly drag him back down by his ankles, it was merely coincidence. Of course, she could always send Simon after him, and Jace felt something squirm uncomfortably in his chest.

Simon Lewis – possibly the biggest conundrum in his life since the whole "Clary – is – your – sister" debacle. Simone had been a mundane once, and a rather pathetic one at that, and Clary's best friend. Jace had hated him then for that simple fact. He'd never admit to anyone other than Clary that he might have been jealous of the gawky boy, but in truth, he really had been. Simon had made Clary happy in a way that Jace could not hope to, especially back then when she had just been an odd mundane girl, and it was a strange, very uncomfortable feeling. So he had done all he could to make the mundane feel unwanted, pointing out hat Clary belonged to an entirely different world. It had backfired greatly – no matter what he did, Clary always went back to Simon: rescuing from the Dumont, telling him everything about the Shadow World, bringing him to the Institute, dating him for a brief, horrible time.

And then Simon had been Turned into a vampire and it seemed that everything had officially gone to hell in a hand basket after that. They had literally gone to Hell. And Jace had begrudgingly accepted that Simon was part of the package deal that was Clarissa Fray. He had given the bloodsucker his own angelic blood, turning him a Daylighter; it was an unexpected twist, but it had made Clary happy. And it was surprisingly worth it.

Jace may have saved Simon's life once or twice, but the truth was that they all would have been dead right now if it wasn't for Simon. Isabelle would have bleed out from demon poison, Magnus would have perished in his father's control, and frankly, the rest of them would have burned alive because Jace knew that Alec would have never left Magnus, and Jace would never leave Alec behind, and consequently, Clary would never leave Jace. Simon had saved all of them.

Jace could pride himself on defeating Sebastian and eliminating the Endarkened forces and finally learning to control the heavenly fire, but he wasn't the one who got them home from Edom. Simon did that. And the idiot didn't even remember it. To be fair, he had no memory of any of them – not from this last year, and nothing about Clary at all. Sixteen years worth of memories wiped clean, a year's worth of memories of a hidden word he was no longer a part of. All wiped away as if they were nothing.

Maybe that's why Jace was avoiding – not hiding from – him. Simon had saved his life, and Clary's and Isabelle's and Alec's and Magnus's. Jace wasn't really great at expressing gratitude to other people, but how in the world were you supposed to thank someone who had no memory of saving you, or no memory of you at all? How did you act?

No, Jace shook his head, disturbing the cluster of flowers he was laying underneath and sending a cloud of pollen into the air. He wormed his way further underneath the plant until it fell over him like a canopy and he was completely hidden from sight.

Damn. He was hiding.

But how else was he supposed to have a minute to himself? He'd barely had any time to really sit and think, so he went to his second most favorite spot in the Institute and hunkered down under the blooming purple holly bells in the far corner of the greenhouse upper level. He figured he had been pretty clever, but he knew that if anyone could track him down, it would have to be Clary. Well, Maryse could definitely find him with frightening ease, but he'd much prefer his girlfriend come find him. The idea gave way to pleasant fantasies and a few more painful memories – those long weeks he had been under Sebastian's influence and had left Clary in a state of confusion and hurt. The memory was hazy, but he remembered wishing he could take away her pain instead of being the cause of it.

Now, after a long haul, the pain was finally over and they were together, for real, at last. It was amazing. Jace felt like he had known Clary, had loved her, all his life, and being with her felt like the most natural thing in the world, next to breathing. The feeling had only intensified the longer he was with her. It was so strong, that he had started toying with an idea, despite it being way too early in their relationship. But he was still thinking about it.

A small breeze from the various electric fans that were strewn around the greenhouse space, moving the blond strands off his face, cooling the pricks of sweat from his forehead and neck. Jace sighed and blew a leaf tickling his nose.

Clary had been understandably upset about Simon, but Isabelle had been (and honestly still was) absolutely distraught. Jace understood – she had finally given all her heart to someone, someone who really loved her in return, only to have it ripped horribly from her grasp. For the first week or two, she had holed herself in her room, screaming and crying and then getting really, scarily quiet in her grief. Maryse had tried to get her to open up, but Isabelle had screeched at her to go away and deal with her own failed love life.

Maryse had not been back to Isabelle's room.

Clary had managed to talk her way into the room, but she was shooed out shortly after, with a sad hopeless look about her. She and Isabelle both loved Simon, in different ways but still, the pain was similar. So Jace had tried, but even his sparkling wit couldn't get a viable response. The last time this had happened, when Max had died, Simon was the only person Isabelle would talk to. Now, he was gone, but back all the same, and Jace watched as Isabelle interacted with this Almost – Simon, hoping for a sign of the boy she had loved. It was agonizing. It seemed to be a sort of an unspoken rule to keep away from Izzy and the Old – New Almost – Simon, so Jace had been spending all his free time wit Clary and Luke and Jocelyn, now returned from their long overdue honeymoon in London.

Apparently, the Fairchild's had a deep connection to the Institute there, and Luke had taken his new wife on a tour of the whole city. Clary had also told Jace that, according to something Brother Zachariah – now called Jem – said, it would seem that all the ancestors of Fairchilds, Lightwoods, and Herondales had begin in London, though how they ended up here in New York was beyond Jace's willing suspension of belief.

" _I wish I could have seen everything back then."_ Clary had gushed to him. " _It's fascinating, I want to know everything. What were my ancestors like? What about the Lightwoods? Jem called them absolute worms, but he couldn't have meant it, could he? And you! He was your ancestor's parabatai! Ooh, I wish he hadn't left with Tessa – your grandmother, basically. Maybe Magnus knows more about …"_

Jace didn't remember too much more of that particular conversation. At the mention of parabatai, his mind had immediately leapt to Alec, and thinking of Alec also brought up Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn. Jace reached up above his head and plucked a purple flower from its stem. He brought it to his face, examining the silky purple petals with vague interest. His mind was on Magnus, and slowly, he crushed the flower between his fingers, releasing a sweet smell.

That glittery bastard – Jace sighed and tried to quell his rage. If Alec could forgive Magnus, then Jace supposed he could at least try. He closed his eyes, and in his mind, he saw his parabatai, his trademark black ensemble of clothes, his porcelain white skin standing out shockingly against his black hair, his bright blue eyes set in his angular face.

When he had first met Alexander Lightwood, he was ten years old and recently dumped into the Lightwood's care by order of the Clave. Jace knew he was a sullen kid (his "father" was murdered in front of his eyes, for Angel's sake) but eleven-year-old Alexander Lightwood put Jace's own sulking skills to shame. Robert Lightwood had yelled for his eldest son to meet him in the Library, and when Alec had walked in, Jace had been taken aback.

* * *

 _Jace was standing next to Robert Lightwood in the center of the Institute Library. It was a grand place, filled wall to wall with books, and it reminded Jace of the library back home in the Manor. He was trying really hard not t think of that place, with his father's body lying in a pool of blood on the floor. the Clave had come as soon as he called, scooped him up, and dumped him here without a second glance. Robert Lightwood was apparently hiss father's parabatai, though he had never heard his name before, and Robert was a large man. His wife, Maryse, was tall and stern looking too, but she had hugged him and said that she would try and find Alexander and Isabelle, her two eldest children, for him to meet. Jace had never known other children before. So when Alexander Lightwood walked into the library, he wasn't quote like he had expected._

 _He had figured that that kids who had the benefit of growing up in a place like the New York Institute, with siblings and two parents and a cat_ (named Church for some odd ironic reason that escaped Jace to this day), _kids who had all that would be happy right? But the boy who walked into the library that day was clearly not happy._

 _He was tall, stocky and dressed in ratty dark blue jeans and a fraying black sweater. His skin was a luminescent white, his features brought out sharply by the styled black hair that hung in his face. But what really took Jace by surprise was how this boy, only a year older than himself perhaps, this boy looked as if he were already carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. His posture was stiff, and his face was set into a careful mask, his blue eyes piercing with questions he was too shy to ask._

" _Alexander."_ Robert had said. _"Meet Jace Wayland. He's going to be your…brother, of sorts. Starting today, the Clave has placed him into this family's adoptive care."_

 _Jace looked at the boy, Alexander, waiting to hear his response, his doubtless rage at another boy being taken in, especially one so close in his age and clearly a rival to his place in the family hierarchy. But Alexander only looked at him in shock, his mouth hanging open slightly._

" _Alexander." Robert Lightwood's voice was firm, and his son snapped back to attention, a flash of guilt crossing his face before disappearing back under his mask._

* * *

Jace had been honestly fascinated.

* * *

" _Alexander, please show Jace to his room – fifth door down past the second hallway near yours."_

 _Alexander nodded and turned to go, Jace awkwardly making to follow him. He was hoping that the girl, Isabelle, the boy's ten year old sister, might be more fun, or even the baby, Max, who he had heard screaming and wailing from somewhere deeper in the Institute._

" _Alec."_

 _The boys' turned around, surprised. Robert's voice was softer, warmer now than a moment ago, and he was smiling at his son. Jace saw Alexander's – Alec's – face open, everything about him vulnerable in a split second. Jace looked back at Robert Lightwood and saw that he was holding a slim wooden bow and a green quiver full of red fletched arrows._

" _Happy Birthday, Alec."_

* * *

Jace remembered this moment the best out of anything from his childhood. It was the moment that he knew Alec Lightwood was someone special. He couldn't explain it, not then and not now. Jace surmised that maybe he had sensed a future friendship and parabatai bond – but really, when Alec's eyes saw that bow and arrow, Jace had watched as the sullen careful boy in black suddenly split open like the sun.

* * *

 _A dazzling smile changed his face into something unbearably sweet and innocent, and his blue eyes lit up. Jace was thrown, but when Alec laughed, and ran back to his father, he was so completely off balance, he nearly fell over._

 _A few minutes later, Alec Lightwood, carrying his birthday present and a new feeling of contentment, was leading Jace down the dim corridors to his room._

" _How old are you?" Jace said, trying to break the silence. Normally, he was all for uncomfortable awkwardness, but for some reason, he didn't want that with Alec. The black haired, blue-eyed boy gave a start of surprise at Jace's voice, a faint blush blooming on his neck as he recovered._

" _Eleven, as of yesterday. Didn't think Dad remembered." That last bit was muttered to himself, though Jace still heard it, and he heard the awe in Alec's voice as he gazed at his present again._

" _So…" Jace cleared his throat, trying to think of something, anything, to say. "Alexander, -"_

" _Don't call me that."_

" _What?" Jace blinked, startled at the vehemence in his new comrade's voice._

' _Don't call me Alexander. Only my parents ever call me that, usually when they're disappointed or trying to make an example of me for Isabelle. Call me Alec."_

* * *

Jace remembered how that, that moment there, was where he had thought that maybe things would be okay in New York.

* * *

" _My full name is Jonathan Christopher, but that's a mouthful, so everyone calls me Jace." He said in return, and Alec gave a sort of half smile, which seemed to surprise even him. Like Jace, it seemed Alec never had any kids his age to interact with before._

 _They had reached Jace's room shortly after, and both boys had lingered awkwardly in the doorway._

" _Um…so here." Alec said, nodding at the plain door. "And, uh, my door is actually the last one a the end back there." He pointed to the far end of the hallway, and he blushed slightly. "In case you, uh – well, in case you need a sparring partner, or whatever."_

 _Jace nodded but chewed his tongue in silence. Alec shifted awkwardly in place for a few more minutes before turning even redder and moving to walk away. As he did, Jace said something he never once regretted._

" _I can't be your sparring partner." He called out, making the Lightwood boy pause._

" _Why not?" the mask was back in place now, and Jace wondered why this boy o had everything was so guarded._

" _I can't be your sparring partner is I don't know where the training room is. Or anything else, for that matter."_

 _Alec's face was blank, but his eyes were clear, so by the time a smirk broke through on his lips, Jace was already grinning._

* * *

From that moment on, he and Alec had grown and bonded, training and studying and exploring together. Then, when it became clear that Jace needed Alec more than a best friend and brother, he asked him to be parabatai. And they've been hunting together ever since

'The End." Jace murmured to himself. If only life was that simple.

Jace considered himself a lot of things – handsome, skilled, extremely good in bed, charming, witty, sarcastic, angsty, gentle, strong, misunderstood, controversial, complicated, and humble to name a few traits – but he had never thought himself to be heartless, or insensitive, or even altogether neglectful. He had never thought he'd be that way to Alec, his parabatai, his brother, best friend and other half. But it had happened, and the worst part was that Jace hadn't even realized it.

It had started, really, when Clary first became entangled in the Shadow World. Alec had warned him that she would bring trouble, and – Jace remembered wryly – to be careful, because there was no rune to fix a broken heart. Jace had laughed, and what had happened? They had gotten dragged into the start of a war, starting with the fight with Abaddon, the Greater Demon who had possessed Madame Dorothea. Alec had nearly died.

The thought still made Jace sick to his stomach, remembering the blood pooling underneath his parabatai's mangled body, blood tinting his lips, his skin failing to heal, and that awful labored breathing as Alec tried to fight against the poison that was killing him. Jace had never been more terrified as he watched Alec choke and bleed out, the iratzes doing nothing.

And it hadn't ended there.

On Valentine's ship – that disgusting, leeching demon – Alec being thrown off the ship into the dark water, Jace's feeling that his brother was drowning and he couldn't do anything to help.

Then – he could feel Alec distancing himself in Idris, and when Sebastian choked him, calling him disgusting, Jace wanted to attack the demon boy with all his might but he couldn't, and Alec kept pulling away. Then Max died, and Alec finally came out and it seemed that everything was changing and Jace didn't know how to feel anymore. Alec and Magnus went on their vacation, and Jace was left alone to deal with his internal demons. When Alec came back, Jace could see that he was better than the boy he was when he left, but Jace had been so absorbed with Clary and Lilith, that he hadn't seen the frayed edges of his brother's desperate love. Jace had gone through the exact same thing, and he didn't help Alec like his brother had helped him.

Jace could feel the growing guilt in his chest. To make matters worse, Jace just had to go and get kidnapped by his psycho demonic adopted brother, and he left Alec all alone, outside their parabatai connection, to deal with finding him, his insecurities with Magnus, Camille, and keeping their family together. Jace had tried to be there for Alec when he came back, tried to console him from the breakup, but Jace only realized now what a shitty job he had done.

He was a terrible brother, best friend, and ultimately piss – poor parabatai. Magnus had broken Alec's heart (a fact that still made Jace fume – he had quite literally spent weeks holding Alec as he cried himself to sleep) and Jace hadn't given the extent of Alec's pain a second thought.

So maybe he was hiding from Alec. How could he possibly face his brother (who he basically betrayed, in every sense of the parabatai oath) and his brother's boyfriend (he still wasn't sure if he could be cordial to Magnus after everything he's done) when he made himself sick?

The sound of the greenhouse door broke Jace from his reverie, and immediately, the Herondale boy was on high alert. He slid further back into the shrubbery, sliding a hand to his belt to feel for a seraph blade. Logically, he knew that whoever it was, was his family or Simon. But after all the literal hell he had endured this past year, he couldn't help but tense.

Heavy footsteps (this person forgot a Silence Rune, Jace smirked) made their way around the lower level, and then up the metal spiral staircase to this level. Jace listened as the stranger came closer and closer, and he peered through the bush trying to see who it was, but they kept out of his sight, behind all the various plant life. Suddenly, the footsteps stopped. Jace held his breath, his hand at his belt. The next moment happened so fast, Jace didn't have the forethought to react.

Someone reached out and grabbed his ankles, dragging him backwards out of the bush and into the clear pathway. The stranger flipped Jace over onto his back in a second, and before Jace's unique fighting skills could come into action, an arm was pressing firmly on his throat.

"I thought the great Jace Herondale was always at the top of his game."

Jace blinked against the yellow fluorescent lights, and saw, with dismay and shock, the face of his true and own parabatai, Alec Lightwood, staring down at him.

"First time for everything." Jace snapped, but he lacked the usual wit as the feelings of guilt overwhelmed him again. "Let me up, Alexander."

Slowly, his blue eyes piercing into Jace's golden ones, Alec released him and let him sit up. Jace moved cautiously, trying to avoid Alec's eyes, but they were boring into him accusingly.

"Is there something you want? A trophy, perhaps?"

Alec didn't respond, only kept looking at Jace expectantly.

'"Seriously, Alec, what -?"

"Why are you hiding up here, Jace?" Alec cut him off.

"I'm not hiding." Jace whined, wincing at himself. "Look, maybe I wanted to be alone – hey." Jace realized suddenly that something was off about this picture, and it did not bode well. "Hey. What are you doing up here? You know you're allergic to everything in the greenhouse. You can't be in here." Jace reached out to grab Alec's arm, but he pulled away.

"Jace, wait -."

'What do you mean, wait? Look we can talk all you want, but not here. Let's go before your throat closes up and you break out in hives."

"No, stop, Jace – "

"Alec, don't fight me on this, okay? Come on!"

"No! Jace –"

"Alec, please!"

"I –"

"I can't be the reason you nearly die again, Alec!"

There was a terrifying silence that followed Jace's outburst. Alec simply stared at Jace, open mouthed, while Jace breathed heavily and rapidly, pinpricks of tears beginning to perform at the edges of his eyes. After a long pause, Alec reached across his body and rolled down the collar of his black shirt.

On the side of his neck, burning slowly, was a rune. Clary must have drawn it, because Jace didn't recognize the simple swirling design.

"I had Clary Mark me before I came up here." Alec said softly. "Since there's no real rune for allergies, she drew one to help me breathe and withstand the plants that I'm allergic to while I'm up here. I'm fine, Jace."

Jace couldn't look away from his brother's neck, the faintly glowing Mark right across jugular.

"Jace." He looked back at his brother.

"You're okay?" Jace whispered.

"Jace, what's wrong?" Alec asked. You've been avoiding all of us, barely acknowledged Simon or Magnus since we got back –"

Jace couldn't help it. At the warlock's name, his whole demeanor darkened and a scowl broke on his face. Alec looked at him in utter shock, and all the horrid guilt came back to the surface.

"Start talking." Alec said softly.

'About what?" Jace stalled.

"Let's start with Magnus and work backwards from there."

Jace sighed and motioned for Alec to follow him to a nearby bench. When they were both sitting, Jace pulled out his father, Stephen's, knife and began to fiddle with it as he talked.

"Look, I know you love Magnus and I know he's your soul mate or true love or whatever and I'm happy you've found someone who can give you the world, but…. Alec, he broke you. No, not just broke. He destroyed you. Alec – no, wait. Just listen. I know what you did to make him break up with you, but that's not the point. The point is that he told you he loved you, he changed you for the better and helped you in a way I couldn't, nor Izzy or Mom and Dad, could. And then he tossed you aside."

'Jace." Alec's voice held a warning note, but Jace couldn't stop now.

"You're back together. That's great, and I see how happy you are, and all I want to do is protect you and make sure you are always happy like this. But then I remember all those weeks where you wouldn't eat because you felt like you needed to be broken for what you did, where all you did was hold your phone and beg Magnus to forgive you, and those nights when you cried to sleep, and I laid there with you and held you, trying to take the pain away and I couldn't. I could feel your heart breaking, Alec, and it was awful."

Without really knowing what he was doing, Jace reached up and touched his parabatai rune gingerly.

'There's more your not telling me." Alec prompted.

"You were so broken for so long." Jace said quietly. "Even before Magnus. I was, too. I thought we fixed each other, sort of, over the years we've known each other. I thought we connected so well together because we could read each other like ourselves, and we could always fix what we hurt. But then when Magnus was taken, and we went to Edom, I saw how badly you were coping with everything and I realized that I've been – Alec, I'm so sorry. You know I'm not good at this sort of thing, but I need to tell you that I never meant to neglect you. I never – "

"Jace. Jace! Calm down." Alec laid a hand on his brother's shoulder, trying to grab his attention and shake him out of his self-hatred spiral.

Jace looked up at his brother through bleary eyes. Alec's blue eyes were wide and worried, and Jace bit his lip to keep from scoffing. He thought he had gotten past all his lack of self –worth, but when it came to Alec, sometimes he still felt inadequate. His brother had the biggest heart of anyone he had ever met. It seemed to be a part of Alec to always give those he loved more chances than they deserved. Look at Jace. Look at all the things Alec did for his father (another bastard, but Jace could growl and rant about Robert any day of the week).

"Jace." Alec said again. "I want you to listen to me. You have never neglected me. Never. Not one time since we were eleven have you ever put yourself before me, and vice versa. I appreciate everything you did for me after what happened with Magnus. And I get why you're angry with him and maybe why you'd want o avoid him. I get it. I was like that when Clary first started coming around. I didn't want to see you hurt, and then you were – you were ultimately destroyed to the point of nearly burning yourself alive. But it made you stronger. The same happened for me. But I couldn't have done it without you being there for me, helping me eat and train and look away from my phone and falling asleep."

"But –"

"No buts." Alec huffed. "I know you tend to attract more trouble than the average Shadowhunter. And most times, that means I nearly die above the average rate of Shadowhunters. I figured that out for myself when I first agreed to be your parabatai. You've always been a terrific brother, a smart-ass best friend, and a fantastic parabatai, and the second most important person in my life."

"Next to Magnus."

"Next to Mags." Alec amended. "But you're first whenever you need me. I love Magnus, but you – you're my blood family. There's no breaking that bond."

Jace looked at his brother, and really saw the sincerity in his eyes, and with no hesitation, he reached forward and pulled Alec down into a hug. He felt his brother's arms wrap around his back and pull him tight, and it was like the two boys were trying to push the other one's broken pieces back together again.

But Jace knew that they weren't as broken as he had first thought. They had their families (Isabelle and Simon, Luke and Jocelyn, Mayrse and even Robert), and their true loves (Clary and Magnus). But most importantly, they had each other. They were parabatai.

And that was a bond not easily broken.


End file.
